Some Vacation Haikus

I can't wait anymore
Sit on the beach by the shore
North Carolina

The annoying noise
Of cell phones ringing loudly
Replaced by seagulls

Salty taste and smell
Sea, magaritas and sweat
On my lips and skin

Better wear sunscreen
Bronzed goddess with tan limbs or
Red dry peeling skin

Week-long rented house
Maybe I will not return
Screw work and Cleveland

Have you ever seen a dead body?

I have only seen a dead body in pictures or at the funeral home. I often go to rotten.com or it's sister site, boners.com (check it out, it is pretty funny sometimes). These two sites have tons of pictures from police files and curious bystanders. Pictures of dead bodies, crazy accidents, pictures of limbs with no torso, torso with no limbs, heads with no brains, heads with no bodies, okay you get the picture (literally, is it forming in your head right now??). I think it is amazing how you become desensitized to something like that. I am so curious to look, I am grateful for the pictures so I can sit and stare closely at every detail. It is also crazy how the body takes on the essence of a manequin almost, like it is not real and I am in some wax museum. I think if I came upon a dead body in it's first and natural state, my feeling would be different. My 2-D safety net would be broken and I think I might throw up or run away even. Isn't it weird how if it's a picture of something you can convince yourself that it is not real, some how staged? Is it the smell? The lingering heat of the body? The feel of the spirit in the air? Even at funerals, you look at the body with the waxy skin and too much make up and think "that's not real". To me, they never look like they are "sleeping". Maybe it is the knowing of the ins and outs now that I am older (and thanks to too much CSI & 6 Feet Under), the stitches that hold together the mouth and the eyes, the skin taught, the muscles and limbs stiff and unbending with rigor mortis. Just like anything that is dehydrated, dried, and in that stage right before decomposition, when you realize how important water can be. When I die, I would love it if I was just allowed to rot back into the earth like nature intended. Fuck the embalming, God forbid some freak will try to get busy with my corpse. Desecrate my body, but not my soul because it will be gone. An empty vessel, waiting for the fire that will engulf it and turn it into what it was from the beginning, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

"After nine days I let the horse run free
'Cause the desert had turned to sea
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
there was sand and hills and rings
The ocean is a desert with it's life underground
And a perfect disguise above
Under the cities lies a heart made of ground
But the humans will give no love"

Ugh.

Why doesn't Britney Spears wear a bra? She is so disgusting. I know you are pregnant and all but they are all over the place. Support the Twins! You'll regret it later! Oh wait, you'll just get another boob job...
Here are some great pictures of her and her boobs.
http://cityrag.blogs.com/
(under the starbucks post)
And on another note...MEXICAN FIESTA TIME TONIGHT!
¡AI AI AI AI! ¡ARIBA!

Someone put a mickey into my drink...and I liked it.

My husband brought me flowers on Saturday. We did all kinds of stuff in the yard, attended a BBQ, and in general enjoyed each other's company. I think someone drugged him.

Why?

Why is it when I am at my desk and I feel the need to go to the bathroom, I continue to sit here like it's going to go away? I am killing my kidneys. It must have been all those times my mom locked me in the closet for days and told me if I wet myself I would have to drink it.
Just kidding.
Actually, I chalk it up to waitressing. Can't pee until the break, folks. And breaks are few and far between. Maybe it isn't that. Maybe I am so god damn lazy that I can't even get up to stop working to go to the bathroom. Oh, that's it then. I am a dedicated employee. Ha.
Whatever it is, I gotta quit doing it and get me some depends. I give up.

Summertime

This weekend was pretty good. My dude went to a NASCAR race in NC with his dad. WHY? Don't ask me. The important thing was I was not expected to participate. I'm all for some camping, but not in the middle of a race track with 165,000 drunks running around and that horrible race car noise for 6 HOURS STRAIGHT. That's right. How can anyone sit there for 6 hours and listen to that noise? But, they liked it. They may even go again next year. All in all, my husband came back with a neck that was just a little bit redder then before...he blamed it on the sun, time will tell!
So onto my weekend. I was alone most of the time which was not necessarily a bad thing. I spent some time with my sister, I bought plants, I mulched the beds. On Saturday, I went to my friend Zanna's house for a cookout which was awesome and spent time bitching about how much I hate George Bush, which is one of my favorite topics. I drank two bottles of Pinot, got some hiccups, and went home and passed out. GOOD TIMES!

And....as a special favor to all you (2) readers, my girl Z had an adventure on Thursday. Here it is in her own words...
EMAIL from Z sent on 5/24/05.
TITLE: HORROR!
"Listen to what happened to me yesterday!!! I was driving home from work on Route 2 on the shoreway less than a mile from my exit, coming around a couple of curves and I see cars ahead of me swerving and slamming on brakes. Just about when I started wondering what was going on, I see a bunch of men running across the highway and one of them was right in front of my car!! At that moment, I KNEW there was nothing I could do! I slammed on my breaks from 50 miles an hour, covered my face to shield it, and thought "I'm about to kill a man! Right now! With my car! I'm killing somebody!!!!" It took what seemed like an eternity- for a split second I thought I missed him - but then I heard him hit! I opened my eyes and still saw cars swerving, people running up to us, and the other guys run off towards the woods on the other side of the soap box derby. I stayed in my car completely FREAKING out, but I saw the man I hit was up and staggering around, so I knew I didn't kill him - THANK GOD! I saw a woman in what looked like a nurse's uniform talking to him telling himto get on the ground and not to move. I called 911. Then I got out of my car to make sure everyone was ok. I'm still shaking typing this. The woman who was talking to the guy I hit was a physical therapist, so she knew better what to do with the guy than I did. He was trying to smoke a cigarette. He was a vagrant and smelled like alcohol. I went up to a guy -a witness - and he started telling me how he saw the whole thing and that there was no way I could've avoided hitting that guy. The vagrant and his buddies ran across three lanes of traffic on the highway during rush hour. The witness said there were two other guys with him and they ran off
towards the woods with a cooler. We waited for the ambulance and the police. The guy I hit was put in a neck brace and taken on a board into the ambulance. Before they put him in, he looked me right in the eyes and said "I'm sorry ma'am. It was all my fault." His nose was bloody and broken. The police showed up and said I wasn't in trouble. They were going to the hospital to cite the man. They sent me home. My car has two dents in the hood and the windshield is cracked like crazy. I took off work today because of the car, and because I didn't get much sleep last night. I am OK. I am still shaken up."

Can you believe that? Now that is a great story if I ever heard one. I decided she needs a t-shirt that says "BUM KILLA" so I photoshopped her into one so she can hang it by her desk at work and all the drones can come by the cube and get the old autograph.

Now back to my (non) exciting weekend. I rounded it out with some laundry and cleaning. My dude got home right on time for us to make the Rib Off for dinner, which I will be paying for shortly, probably in another 20 min. HAHA. That's all folks. I'll try harder next time.

Wish there was something I could say...

Not only have I not posted in awhile but one of my favorite people of all times lost his mom this past week. The weather and the church ceremony could not have been more beautiful on saturday. Friends gathered from afar to pay respects. I was not close with his mother, but what a wonderful woman to have raised such a wonderful son. Everytime I looked at him and even now as I type this I cannot help crying. I feel so bad. I love you, baby. If you need something, call. It can only get better, right?

Bored

Sorry I don't call, I don't write. There really has not been anything going on. I got a card in the mail today from a friend thanking me for being a good friend. That was nice. I was alone today at work, which constituted not getting much done besides answering the phones and taking messages. Right now I am watching "Show Dogs Moms and Dads". I really think that woman that owns "Chelsey" needs a xanex.

Woof!

My dog got her own website. She is on dogster.com at http://www.dogster.com/?138061. Make sure you leave her a treat, she will love you forever for it :)

Pope-ing around

Not much going on. I feel guilty if I don't post because of all the blogs I read, I get mad when someone doesn't post for a couple of days...not that there is anyone else reading this besides me. However, I think it is good to write down your thoughts, kind of a mental purging if you will.

So the weather here is finally starting to clear up. Last week it was 70 degrees and then all the sudden this weekend it FUCKING SNOWED, giant wet heavy flakes. Now Mother Nature is teasing us again with gorgeous 65 degrees, hopefully here to stay this time. I have a lot of painting outside to do so I am looking forward to nice weather.

So the Pope died. Which is crazy because I am 28 so we have had the same Pope basically my whole life. I'm not catholic so I am not really into the Pope, but I am fascinated with the fact that he is so highly regarded and held in society. And he actually was not bad looking for an old man. Is that bad to say that? I'm not saying I'm hot for Pope, I am just saying he was pleasant to look at. I saw that Pope when I was in Italy in 1995. It was a Saturday in Rome and there was a children's day and the Pope came out on a golf cart type thing and they drove him around. It's pretty brave of him to not use the Pope-mobile after he got shot like that. But it was nice because he was waving at the kids and touching them and they were all singing and waving those giant foam fingers. But my friend that I was with (3rd corral back) got shit on by a bird while we were there, and I was like "Dude, that is not a good sign." Haha. I also thought it was hysterical that you could buy t-shirts not even 90 feet away from the Pope that said "I like the Pope, the Pope smokes dope." Maybe he has one. :)

A Night In...Tomorrow Out?

I think I am getting sick. I felt terrible tonight. All I did was lay on the couch with a blanket over my head at times literally crying because my skin hurt so bad. I was so cold and now I am sweating to death. I must have overcome whatever it was (I think the secret ingredient was the orange (sunrise) Crystal Light, full of vitamins-please pronounce vit-a-mins like you are a brit, thanks). Which is good because tomorrow I have a night planned to go out with my girlies. I am pretty excited, we will be dining and drinking in a downtown establishment and gossiping up a storm. Now, what to wear?

Things I like right now

1. That song "True" by Ryan Cabrera. Don't ask me why. So cheesy. His hair is very intersting. So big, yet so tall. Ashlee Simpson must be some crazy fuck monkey to keep that boy.


2. U2 (but I like them all the time, does that count?)
3. The season finale of Carnivale. FANFUCKINGTASTIC. It was so good. Damn you HBO! Now I have to wait like 3 years to find out what happens to everyone next season.
4. The fact that 6 feet under is starting soon. YAY!
5. Electric Hybrid cars. We are seriously considering getting one when the lease is up on the Jeep. The only issue is there are no recharging stations around here like there are in Cali. We could go like 150 miles but where would we plug in at? Then you have to use gas and what is the point? Although I did find out you get a 1500 dollar tax return for energy conservation. I am thinking the Ford Escape Hybrid although I am hoping they come out with the Jeep Grand Cherokee version by then.
6. The paint color I chose for my office. It is called "Aggie" and is a Martha Stewart color courtesy of Sherwin Williams. It is like a dusty blue green.
7. My husband.
8. Coffee. Lately I can't get enough although I know it is bad for my teeth.
9. The anticipation of my new ring coming (hopefully) next week.
10. Spending time with my girlies this weekend.
11. Going out for lunch today!
12. Seeing my niece tonight.

I am sure there are a ton more, but that should tide over posting for now. Tomorrow *GASP* I will post some of the things I don't like, which should be easy because there are a ton of them.

Getting into the groove

I think I am getting the hang of my new job. I won't really talk about it or the people I work with because you never know when big brother is watching! Ha! But seriously...I was reading an article about people that have been fired for writing shit about their work in their blogs (check out www.dooce.com). Is this not like a "diary"? Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Am I not allowed to have my own thoughts?

Today I had a lunch meeting at a pretty expensive private club right here in the middle of downtown. The people there want us to have events there so they had us in for lunch to schmooze. I totally cheated on my diet and had (but did not finish any of it): Cup Lobster Bisque (too much red pepper), Tuna Tempura roll on field greens (a little "fishy" and not as rare as I would have liked), 1 and a half dinner rolls with that awesome sweet cream butter, a cappucino, and espresso creme brulee. YUM! I have pretty much been craving coffee lately, i think it is because it is the only thing I normally get that is not meat or cheese. Those things don't go great with coffee either. Back to the grind. I see you rolling your eyes there!

What the f is up with American Idol. I thought almost all of them sang awesome last night. I also like it that when they do the montage of them singing in the end you can basically be like "x!" (imagine that sound they used to make on family feud when someone got something wrong) on the ones you know are just wasting your time. I can't believe they are making them all sing again tonight. It will be interesting to see if any of them change the way they sang their songs.

On an up note, my friend from JAX (Hi, Fred!) may be coming up for U2 which would be hella cool and would verge on putting too many of my favorite things in one room at one time. Add a McDonald's cheeseburger and we are almost home, brothers and sisters (Sorry-too much Carnivale! and I can't wait til next Sunday!). Thank God for tivo. Tonight I am going "stamping" (no, not like those step groups-great visual though!, but with ink) so I will be able to catch up on my American Idol on Sunday when I do most of my tivo watching. Happy Tubing :)

Baited Breath

I know you are all on the edge of your seats...8 tickets, baby! I rock! I went to ticketmaster at 9:30 (they went on sale at 10) and they were drawing for a lottery. I was 3rd in line and i got 6 tickets, behind the stage. My dude got on the internet at home and scored us 2 KICK ASS AWESOME seats right near the stage. Who loves me, baby? U2 here we come! Now, just to wait until December....
In the meanwhile, I am going to sell two of them on ebay, hopefully I can make enough money to pay for the others. :) WOOHOO! Sucess!

St. Pat's was cool, I was the last one there (work) but proceeded to get drunk as a skunk and then i went home and enjoyed girl scout cookies (Tag-a-longs). Those things are like crack! YUM! Back on FATKINS for the time being. :(

Forgot to Mention

I have the iMac. It is beautiful. I love it and I will hug it and hold it and cherish it forever. It is literally just a flat screen with a stainless steel base. The screen is the computer, and there is a slot in the side where cds spit in and out. Insanity. What will they think of next? Oh, I forgot about the Mac Mini...



Off to get some sleep, I have a big day of work and then drinking ahead of me :)

Temper Tantrum

Tickets go on sale this Saturday, and even though I have a plan to send my dude to ticketmaster and I am going to try on line, I have a feeling I might not get tickets. The concert isn't til December. Do you know how jacked up the price is going to be by then? I will just die if I can't go. Die, I tell you. *sigh* I guess I should just wait and see...but that's no fun. Oh, the drama!

I am excited for St. Pat's. I am going to go out down here on our famous "W. Sixth". I don't know about green beer but I would love to drink some cider and some guiness. I'll think I'll stick to the vodka though, more FATKINS friendly. I have only lost 6 pounds. Which I think is a failure, but when I look at it, it's only been a week and a half so that is not bad. No more meat! AUGH!

My husband said it wasn't broken...

He lied. And this picture makes it look a lot better than it is. The bruising is much darker. I am starting to worry.
And yes, I am aware that I have freaky feet. But my tat is pretty awesome.

YAY!!!!!!!!

No, the mac did not come yet, apparently it shipped from China so hopefully Thursday...

The awesome news is...
U2 IS COMING TO CLEVELAND!!!!!!! They released new dates today and they will be here December 10th! I am so going. And it is on a saturday night. WOOOOHOOOO! I think you can tell I am excited. I saw U2 in Philly in 2001 for the Elevation tour. It was un-fucking-believeable. I had chills the whole time. My husband doesn't get it I don't think but he's going too. I am going to make a believer out of him yet. Now, to wait til they go on sale and go wait in line at a ticketmaster. I hate that crap. It takes forever and you have to be prepared if they sell out. I couldn't accept that, I am going!! Here I come Bono baby!



And on a not so exciting note, I once again fell down my stairs this morning and managed to break some toes. I know you aren't sympathetic to that but my foot is twice it's normal size and all black, it is really bad at the base, where the toes connect to the foot. And it hurts like a bitch.

But...U2 is coming, so I can get over the foot. SMILES!

I'm back from outer space

So my mac is not here yet. *sigh* I am so lost without it. Where are you? Why are you taking so long? I will love you and hug you and play with you. I need you. I can't do my job without you. Damn PC and the damn keyboard. If you have ever used both you know the difference. This thing is hella hard to type on. And crappy to look at. I did use the Photoshop the other day though and it seems to be pretty much the same. But I will never use this computer for design. It is a matter of principle. I am such a mac dork that everytime I see one on tv (which is every show they ever show someone using a computer) I get all warm and fuzzy and I tell everyone (normally my husband, who has heard it a million times) "look, a powerbook/ibook/ipod!" just to prove that the world is/should be taken over by the coolest computers ever, macs.

So, I forgot to mention about my friend from JAX earlier, he can cook. And I'm not talking spaghetti o's from the can, I am talking yum yum awesome food. He's still out there, waiting for you, although he doesn't know it yet. Speaking of yum food, ha ha, i started FATKINS again last week and so far seem to be doing pretty good. My goal is to go until St. Patty's when I cheat on my diet all day and get ragingly drunk. And I bet I will gain back all the weight I lost from one fucking guiness. I can't win. But so far 6 lb. and it has only been 5 days.

I am getting a new wedding ring. And engagement ring. Don't worry, I am keeping the husband. My stuff was stolen a few months ago from the damn jeweler and we are just now getting the money (through my insurance!) so we have started on a new adventure. Just a note for anyone (anyone? beuller?) out there, if you fellas wanna get buckwild, insure your shit on your own. The jewelry store acts like they have no idea what to do. And this wasn't a shitty store, peeps. That was today's lesson. Tune in tomorrow and see if I write another one, oh and if I don't that is tomorrow's lesson...don't believe a word I say ;)

Where am I?

The new job is good. Not too much going on yet, but I have a feeling things are going to speed up a little. The best part about my old (back-breaking) job is that compared to that everything else seems very S L O W. I have been cleaning out my office, which is tough because I have no fucking idea what everything is. But hey, it's an office! And it's mine. So I better get a big giant trash bin and start cleaning house. Nah, I'm not that brave. I'll box it up like a good girl and put it in the hall closet. I can't wait to paint. And to get my new desk. And my new Mac arrives either Friday or Monday. Feels good to be in a place where people want to do nice things for you, at least to try to keep you here...